Meet The Bird Brain Labs Team

These profiles may or may not be exaggerated for comedic effect*

8

Wayne KankeLs

Sales Manager – Southeast Region

  • 4 Year Starting O-Lineman in High School (JV). Still wears his class ring.
  • Amazing ability to sweat through shirts regardless of outside temperature.
  • Somehow has only won “Southeast Region Salesman of the Year” 3 times despite being the only Southeast Region salesman for the last 5 years.
  • Has deep “connections” at Outback Steakhouse. If you drop his name at any Outback nationwide they will give you a free ‘Bloomin Onion’ on the spot – no questions asked. He has yet to explain why.
  • He is the reason we now have a strict “no shorts in the office” policy. Don’t ask.
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Terry Sweetman Jr.

Warehouse Manager

  • Has attempted to nickname himself “T-Rex” and “T-Bones” on two separate occasions – both attempts have been unsuccessful
  • Removed the governor on all forklifts to increase productivity. Despite now owing millions in lawsuits, Terry (T-Bones) still claims it was an idea “ahead of it’s time.” We disagree.
  • One of the few human beings still rocking a “Rat Tail” haircut
  • Not married, but wears a wedding ring. Claims he is “married to the game.”
  • Pager #: 1374962786
7

Arthur Trubbs

Training Coordinator 

  • Parks his 2012 Hyundai Elantra unnecessarily far from the office to “avoid dings”
  • Has had the same salary since starting with the company out of college in 1987
  • Once worked an entire Saturday thinking it was Friday. Only found out when he didn’t show up on Monday thinking it was still Sunday.
  • Hoards a concerning amount of office supplies.
  • Sits next to the server room and constantly complains the “WiFi is messing with his brain.”
14

Hunter Harrington iv

Finance

  • According to his Instagram bio, Hunter was a “Motivational Speaker, Influencer, Entrepreneur, and Public Figure” before joining Bird Brain. As of this writing he has 73 followers.
  • Frequently lectures the office about “how to make it” in “business.” These talks often include phrases like “it’s all about networking,” or “cash is king.”
  • His dad got him the job
  • Graduated in 5 years from an online college – claims he was accepted into all the Ivy League schools, but they were “too far from home.”
  • Recently asked for 6 months paid vacation so he could “travel the world and find himself.” The request was approved so we could get him out of the office.
17

Krysten Lee Hall-Ramsey

Accounting

  • Orders herself flowers to the office every Valentine’s Day and then acts surprised when they arrive.
  • Once a month she tells the whole office that she is “going keto” and going to start riding her bike into work. Hasn’t touched a bike in 14 years.
  • Organizes all the office get togethers and parties that no one wants to go to.
  • Curently has 47 outstanding open complaints with HR, including one that states HR isn’t responding to her open complaints timely.
16

Pete Stabbington

IT

  • Has an identical twin brother named Patrick, and it is possible they rotate coming in every other day.
  • No one recalls why or how, but he is the only one in the company who negotiated that his salary be paid out in cash.
  • Collects insects.
  • Large crowds make him jumpy, so he eats lunch alone everyday in his car.
  • We fear that for the last 4.5 years he may have been embezzling money from the company, but no one wants to confront him about it.
11

Dotty Dixon

Legal

  • We’ve won a total of 1 out of 143 cases under Dot’s legal council. That win was a parking ticket we contested (the officer forgot to show up on the court date). We are counting it.
  • Her and her husband own a weekend business where they dress up like clowns for children’s birthday parties. This makes us VERY uncomfortable. We do not ask many questions about it.
  • Has an emotional support chicken – again, we do not ask questions
  • Has challenged several opposing lawyers “to a duel.” All of them have laughed it off as a joke, but we are 90% certain she is ready to legitimately settle a legal battle with a duel if someone accepts.
9

Mike

?

  • Mike came with the building. We don’t pay him, but he also doesn’t do any work. We’ve asked him to leave several times, but he just keeps showing up.
  • Claims he’s building a robot to replace all of our jobs so he can have the office back to himself again.
  • Steals other employee’s lunches from the break room refrigerator for sport. He doesn’t even eat them – he just likes stealing them.
  • Favorite food: water

WANT to hELP eNSURE tHESE iDIOTS kEEP tHEIR jOBS?

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