These profiles may or may not be exaggerated for comedic effect*
Sales Manager – Southeast Region
4 Year Starting O-Lineman in High School (JV). Still wears his class ring.
Amazing ability to sweat through shirts regardless of outside temperature.
Somehow has only won “Southeast Region Salesman of the Year” 3 times despite being the only Southeast Region salesman for the last 5 years.
Has deep “connections” at Outback Steakhouse. If you drop his name at any Outback nationwide they will give you a free ‘Bloomin Onion’ on the spot – no questions asked. He has yet to explain why.
He is the reason we now have a strict “no shorts in the office” policy. Don’t ask.
Terry Sweetman Jr.
Has attempted to nickname himself “T-Rex” and “T-Bones” on two separate occasions – both attempts have been unsuccessful
Removed the governor on all forklifts to increase productivity. Despite now owing millions in lawsuits, Terry (T-Bones) still claims it was an idea “ahead of it’s time.” We disagree.
One of the few human beings still rocking a “Rat Tail” haircut
Not married, but wears a wedding ring. Claims he is “married to the game.”
Pager #: 1374962786
Parks his 2012 Hyundai Elantra unnecessarily far from the office to “avoid dings”
Has had the same salary since starting with the company out of college in 1987
Once worked an entire Saturday thinking it was Friday. Only found out when he didn’t show up on Monday thinking it was still Sunday.
Hoards a concerning amount of office supplies.
Sits next to the server room and constantly complains the “WiFi is messing with his brain.”
Hunter Harrington iv
According to his Instagram bio, Hunter was a “Motivational Speaker, Influencer, Entrepreneur, and Public Figure” before joining Bird Brain. As of this writing he has 73 followers.
Frequently lectures the office about “how to make it” in “business.” These talks often include phrases like “it’s all about networking,” or “cash is king.”
His dad got him the job
Graduated in 5 years from an online college – claims he was accepted into all the Ivy League schools, but they were “too far from home.”
Recently asked for 6 months paid vacation so he could “travel the world and find himself.” The request was approved so we could get him out of the office.
Krysten Lee Hall-Ramsey
Orders herself flowers to the office every Valentine’s Day and then acts surprised when they arrive.
Once a month she tells the whole office that she is “going keto” and going to start riding her bike into work. Hasn’t touched a bike in 14 years.
Organizes all the office get togethers and parties that no one wants to go to.
Curently has 47 outstanding open complaints with HR, including one that states HR isn’t responding to her open complaints timely.
Has an identical twin brother named Patrick, and it is possible they rotate coming in every other day.
No one recalls why or how, but he is the only one in the company who negotiated that his salary be paid out in cash.
Large crowds make him jumpy, so he eats lunch alone everyday in his car.
We fear that for the last 4.5 years he may have been embezzling money from the company, but no one wants to confront him about it.
We’ve won a total of 1 out of 143 cases under Dot’s legal council. That win was a parking ticket we contested (the officer forgot to show up on the court date). We are counting it.
Her and her husband own a weekend business where they dress up like clowns for children’s birthday parties. This makes us VERY uncomfortable. We do not ask many questions about it.
Has an emotional support chicken – again, we do not ask questions
Has challenged several opposing lawyers “to a duel.” All of them have laughed it off as a joke, but we are 90% certain she is ready to legitimately settle a legal battle with a duel if someone accepts.
Mike came with the building. We don’t pay him, but he also doesn’t do any work. We’ve asked him to leave several times, but he just keeps showing up.
Claims he’s building a robot to replace all of our jobs so he can have the office back to himself again.
Steals other employee’s lunches from the break room refrigerator for sport. He doesn’t even eat them – he just likes stealing them.